


the children really ring

by lutzaussi



Category: Kingsman (Movies), Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Dogs, Gen, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-02-01
Packaged: 2018-09-20 13:01:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9491909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lutzaussi/pseuds/lutzaussi
Summary: Kakashi would say that he regrets calling the number, but having to wear a well-cut suit and legally shoot people isn't too bad. And, well, saving the world and all that.





	

It begins with the car.

Kakashi, later on, would admit that it was a very nice car, or at least it had been before he’d gotten his hands on it. “Had been”. Key words. Not that key words were helping him get away from the cops, though, admittedly, it was a bit hard to get away from the cops when you’re in front of a two-way mirror. He half hoped he’d be able to talk his way out of it but—

“There was no one wi’ me,” he says, and that is all they are getting out of him once he remembers the press of the medal against his chest. “I’d like my right to a phone call.”

-

Jiraiya is old as _fuck_. Well, considering he’s still an active field agent he can’t possibly be too old, but…

In the vaguest of senses Kakashi does remember him, remembers a tall man with white hair handing him a medal while his mum sobbed on the couch, remembers the strict lines of his navy suit as the man folded himself, asked his name, and gave him the medal.

He’s not anything like Kakashi thought he would be. He’s posh, yes, terribly so, but he also snickers at all thinly veiled dirty jokes and isn’t as subtle about looking at tits as he thinks he is. It’s sort of—a relief, given the circumstances.

-

There are seven other “trainees”, as the man called Merlin calls them. After the first night, and the kid named Hayato drowning, Kakashi isn’t sure if he can trust Merlin at all. The man is at most ten years older than the lot of them, his face scarred from field work and his accent distinctively Welsh.

So….maybe Kakashi has the hots for him, but Merlin doesn’t need to know that.

To everyone Kakashi is just a chav, just a pleb from the gutter who’s trying to be too big for his britches. It stings but it is not surprising. He just has to impress them, which, given his history on the streets and those few months in the military, isn’t too damn hard.

Well, maybe it’s less “impress” as it is “surprise”.

-

The complex is big as hell, and EP’s legs are so damned short that Kakashi sighs and picks his dog up more often than he would prefer to admit the first couple months of their partnership. But—as much as Anko ribs him about choosing the gimp dog, he can’t be mad at himself for the choice. If anyone else had ended up with her, they would’ve treated her like shit.

At least, that’s what he tells himself.

If it’s any consolation for him, though, for a pug she is remarkably healthy and even manages to keep pace at least at the beginnings of runs. Anko laughs at him when EP is tucked into his suit but really it’s him laughing when her beautiful white borzoi starts to give out after five kilometers. And a borzoi is slightly too large to be lugging around over one shoulder.

-

He’s more than a fair shot and manages to even make Mizuki shut his fat mouth after their field scores come back. Yes, as Jiraiya had said, he had prospects, but none of them were worth leaving his mum and brother for, and he’s only there because either way, whether he passes or gets dropped, Kingsman helped his mum find a job.

He can only call them, but it’s still nice to hear their voices and the relief that he’s still alive, still calling. Naruto’s seventeen, old enough that he’s preparing for university and not particularly happy that Kakashi is gone. Kakashi never had the chance for university, though, went straight to work to help support raising Naruto, help with the medical bills and any other way he could. But now mum has a job, a real, well-paying job as a secretary at some big office, and time and money to pay for night classes so she can get back into computer science.

Kakashi doesn’t regret his choice.

-

With Jiraiya first gone on a mission and then in a coma for weeks, Merlin takes over Kakashi’s mentoring. He’s very no nonsense, unlike the other man, but his pointers are interesting (ignore Mizuki. If he does that again, though, we just got a stock of itching powder down in one of the storage rooms and, oh, sorry that’s the code to get into the storage room) and more importantly it gives Kakashi at least half an hour a day to ogle.

And oh, does he ogle.

-

Anko, who is trained in boxing and MMA and frankly terrifies Kakashi, is afraid of heights. He almost wants to punch her for not mentioning it before they’re skimming over the grounds of the estate, but it is not the time and he doesn’t want to give Mizuki an opening.

Everything goes swimmingly, he jumps with perfect form and Anko follows within seconds.

Until, of course, Merlin’s voice somewhat smug voice intrudes and reprimands, “While I hope you all are having fun, I hope you can all still have fun with one of your mates missing their parachute.”

-

Of course, he the one who doesn’t have a fucking ‘chute. Of _course._ Somehow, though, his anger and adrenaline don’t have a chance of lingering after Merlin grabs his ripcord and pulls and the parachute billows out.

“You,” the man says, and his face is controlled, tight, his voice the same but also somewhat pained, “have never been baggage.”

-

So. It’s just three of them. Mizuki, Anko, and the odd duck out, Kakashi.

Their target is a woman of indeterminate age who is very blonde and very well-endowed. Anko actually chuckles when they all turn their pictures around to reveal a matching set.

-

Kakashi isn’t surprised that the honeypot was that sort of test from the beginning, likewise isn’t surprised when Mizuki fails rather magnificently and Merlin leaves him on the tube line.

He’s exhausted after that, and automatically follows Jiraiya and Anko and her mentor, Percival, to the shop, where Jiraiya leads him to a cab and directs the cabbie to a row of identical looking houses, all light wood and windows and effortlessly beautiful gardens. Kakashi tries his best not to drool at the thought of owning one of them.

They talk for a while, a couple hours at least, and after Kakashi wrangles some glory-day stories out of the older man they sit in companionable silence.

“Right,” Jiraiya says after a few minutes. He stands, shrugs his jacket off and effortlessly rolls up his sleeves, “do you know how to make a martini?”

“Bruv, I worked a pub for three years,” Kakashi can’t help the sneaking smile creeping onto his face.

“How about a Long Island Iced Tea?” Jiraiya asks after a moment of consideration, his smile going somewhat wicked when Kakashi minutely shakes his head. “Come now, let’s teach you how much Americans have bastardized the world of liquor.”

-

So maybe Kakashi knew that the bullet in Arthur’s goddamned pistol was a blank, but in the jacked car with EP staring out the window he doesn’t care. Even dodgy old spies (who, if Merlin’s bullshitting and Jiraiya’s introduction told him anything, knew every goddamn thing about him in the first place) should know that asking him to shoot a dog would be like asking an astrophysicist to shoot their multimillion dollar telescope. Not. Happening.

Jiraiya’s furious—of course he’s bloody well furious, because his “experiment” failed and when Kakashi says as much the man’s face goes stone-blank, and a breath hisses out between his clenched teeth.

“Can’t you see that everything I’ve done has been about trying to repay your father?” Jiraiya hisses out, barely able to contain the anger simmering underneath his carefully expressionless face. “I don’t have time for this. You stay here, and when I’m back we’ll sort it.”

There’s silence between them for ten minutes until Jiraiya leaves, and Kakashi is only a little thankful that it’s the middle of the goddamn night, so then he has an excuse for passing out on the couch.

-

He doesn’t have his glasses—left them behind when he nicked Arthur’s car—but Jiraiya has his personal terminal set up in his office, just his laptop open and recording all of the data coming from his glasses. It was on mute, but by the time Kakashi finds it in the morning he’s already in the church he said he would be at, and after a full minute of hesitation Kakashi sits down, turns the sound on.

-

What is more horrible than the bile that the minister is spewing is when the entire congregation suddenly turn on each other and, largely, on Jiraiya. Kakashi can’t watch, can’t watch his mentor murdering four dozen racist, homophobic white people in the middle of bumfuck nowhere Kentucky, but his eyes are glued to the screen regardless.

Merlin occasionally says something, trying to snap the man out of whatever the hell has gripped him, but the line to HQ is mostly silent. Silent until everyone is dead, then Merlin tries to call to Jiraiya again, but the man is busy settling something that the other two watchers cannot see, despite the fact they are looking through his glasses.

Jiraiya runs, and when he glances back to open his umbrella, Kakashi and Merlin both see, very distinctly, that there is a bomb.

-

Kakashi doesn’t remember much after slamming the laptop shut and forcing himself not to throw it across the room. He guesses Merlin is still trying to watch despite the damage from the explosion, but he can’t. He can’t watch after the bomb goes off, after the man who became close to a father figure for him dies. It’s an untethered feeling after that, he feels loose and unsure. The obvious course of action would be to call Merlin but that feels too close, too soon.

He finds himself in the lifted car, heading to the familiar shop on Savile Row. It’s silent when he pushes in, and the instant he sees Arthur he notices two things: the pen, and the surgical scar.

-

It is more than easy to switch their tumblers, to watch Arthur choke and die with a glazed satisfaction. He does take his time to cut out the implant, because Merlin would have his arse if he didn’t bring it.

Not that he wouldn’t mind the other man having his arse.

Everyone in the bunker seems to be collectively losing their minds, so he makes his way to Merlin’s office without any problems and without being stopped. Well, not being stopped until Anko has a gun trained on him and Merlin has the implant, looking it over.

“It’s all right, Lancelot,” Merlin says, holding Arthur’s phone out so the other two can see the countdown flashing on it, “it’s confirmed. But we have more problems.”

“ _You_ have problems,” Kakashi says, looking between Anko who has her gun away and Merlin, whose lips are a tight line.

“We. Who knows who else may be in with this, and there’s no time for us to try and figure it out. _We_ ,” he says again, “will have to do this on our own.”

-

When Anko is flying off into near-space and the plane is back on autopilot, Merlin pulls a garment bag out of nowhere and holds it out to him. “Jiraiya had this finished, before,” and that is telling—before. “You’d best get changed, we’ll be landing in an hour.”

Kakashi feels almost like a cheat, putting on his unearned Kingsman suit and his oxfords, but the suit fits better than anything Kakashi has ever worn befor in his life. It’s _comfortable_ , and when he turns around to fully look at himself in the mirror, he can’t help but smirk. His arse looks fantastic.

“Hey, Anko, how’s the view?” he asks while still staring at himself, tugging his watch on and making sure the cufflinks are secure. “Mine is very nice.”

“I fucking hate you,” her voice is flat, but there’s a note of the usual fear in it. “Please, shoot someone in the face for me and I won't hurt you when I see you again.”

“Can do, see you soon,” he taps his glasses, straightens his tie, and realizes that this— _this_ —is it.

-

“Looking good, Kakashi,” Merlin has that surprised sort of tugged up smile gracing his lips and crinkling the scar across his nose, even if it’s a little bitter.

Kakashi considers for the briefest of moments, returns as if it is the most logical answer in the world, “Feeling good, Merlin.”

“You’ll be going in as Arthur—that’s Hiruzen Sarutobi,” Merlin hands him the man’s phone, which is still counting down to the destruction of the world at large. “All you need to do is get checked in, then you can find Orochimaru. I just need some time to get in.”

“No problem, I’m good at bullshitting my way through social events,” Kakashi says, straightening his tie and jacket one more time, tapping his glasses on.

-

Of course, the bullshitting does not last because Mizuki of all people recognizes him. But on the more positive side, Mizuki has also always underestimated him.

It does become something of a problem when there’s nearly a hundred people after him and he’s out of ammo. Thankfully, Merlin does a good job being backup with his cabinet of guns, and after Kakashi has an umbrella and more ammo, he heads back out to fight his way to the glass-encased room Orochimaru and his bodyguard were standing in.

-

He fucking panics when the countdown cuts and there’s only a minute and a half left. Gods, he hasn’t even thought about Naruto and mum but they’ll definitely be affected by cellphone signals, they’re in the middle of London.

“Hey, Anko?” he yells after taking cover from an annoying amount of goons wearing the same clothes, "Can you get on with me mum and have her get them out of London? Don’t want them caught up in this.”

“Yeah, just give me a minute to get out of this god _damned_ parachute,” she screams.

-

“Kakashi,” Merlin’s voice is almost annoying calm in his ear, “It’s a biometric lock, I can’t get into the launch program.”

“Merlin,” Kakashi replies, keeping his own voice even as he shoots another person’s face in, “what about those nice implants you were talking about?”

“Ah,” Merlin says, and there’s something cheerily destructive in the tone of his voice.

-

He’s at the tail-end of his three hour long adrenaline high when he launches Kabuto’s knife-hand into Orochimaru’s back. He leaves off trying to not seem tired, limps over to where the man is bleeding out and is particularly pleased that he was able to lodge the surprisingly heavy prosthetic straight through his body.

“Is this,” Orochimaru coughs out, and he sounds a lot more genuine when he’s dying, “where you make a bad one liner?”

That summons a grin onto Kakashi’s face, sharp and dangerous when he replies, “Nah, bruv, this is where I watch you die.”

He doesn’t have any guns left, there is the knife in his shoe and another tucked into his left sock garter, but he leaves those. Orochimaru dies quickly, anyway, and once he’s dead there’s the small problem of getting all of the kidnapped dignitaries and celebrities out of the confusingly excavated base.

And, of course, the problem of the rest of the world, but when Kakashi drags himself to the jet all he wants is a shot of whatever posh shit Merlin slightly smells of and a week-long nap. Merlin doesn’t even hesitate, just hands him a glass and says, “Anko, we’ll be there in half an hour.”

-

They have a day off. It’s not so much a day off as a day spent sleeping in HQ in between cleaning up the bodies of those unfortunate enough to have bought into Orochimaru’s plan, and doing crowd control for the satellite offices and the agents who were on-mission. Kakashi helps but feels rather out of place, even in his room with EP running circles around a chair.

He’s swirling a glass of Macallan from a bottle he nicked out of Jiraiya’s rooms when someone taps on his door and he really doesn’t want to get up but if it’s Anko she’ll kill him for making her wait so—

Merlin is standing there, looking more exhausted than Kakashi feels, and before he even says hello he crouches so EP can smell his hands and dance around him.

“Were you here for a reason, or just the dog?” he already knows the answer, but the look on Merlin’s face is priceless.

“You are now Galahad,” Merlin says, scooting forward so Kakashi will back up and let him into the room. He drops in the open chair with a sigh, “we lost around twenty people alone here, so tomorrow you’ll be out in Borneo.”

“Ank—Lancelot?” Kakashi asks, fishing out another glass and pouring a dram of the scotch in it and handing it to the other man before topping off his own.

“Italy and then Russia. Normally you would both be paired with senior agents but, well,” Merlin makes an appreciative noise after a sip, “You stole this from Jiraiya, didn’t you.”

Kakashi raises an eyebrow, “Are you goin’ to tell me to take it back?”

“No,” Merlin settles back, sighs and sits still so EP can jump on top of him, and the dog is rewarded with head rubs, “If anything, the old bastard deserved to have some of his stuff stolen. Well, personal vendettas aside, he was good at what he did.”

Kakashi feels warm when Merlin holds his glass out, and he does as well as the other man says, “To Jiraiya.”

“And not knowing what the fuck the future’s gonna bring,” Kakashi adds, and Merlin smiles, and nods.


End file.
